Archive for the ‘Finding My Power’ Category

Regaining My Power: Choice

What is choice, really? Do we have it? Are we sure?

The other day at work I asked, perhaps a little too loudly, if it was 5:00 yet, or Friday, yet, and someone piped up that we always have a choice. I have the choice to stay, or to act like it was Friday at 5 and make a bee-line for the door. It’s been kind of a long couple of weeks, so option B may or may not have gotten considered almost seriously. But I didn’t do it. I made the choice to finish out the day, to finish out the week. I chose to be there.

Right?

On the surface, yes, I made that choice. But if you really start to think about it, “Everything is a choice” is a rather disingenuous statement. There are about a million different directions to dive with this idea, but I thought I’d try and keep it on the surface. See just how many diverse places in our “Land of the Free” where the choices offered aren’t really choices.

I haven’t been sleeping well for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that heat, humidity, and I are not friends. If I had chosen to walk out of work that afternoon to go home and take a nap- something that would have been a good choice for my mental and physical health- I think it’s pretty safe to say that my employer would have chosen to tell me not to return. I’m sure that I’m not the only American worker who can’t take the chance of an impromptu vacation because we aren’t making enough each week to have built a rainy day fund. So it really wasn’t a choice.

Speaking of choices at work- what about choosing to have an unpopular opinion? If you’re in the rank and file, that choice- even if you’re right and it needs to be said- could have disastrous consequences for your career.

Back to the Land of the Free thing- how about our current choices for President? More of the same vs a young Hitler. What an awesome choice. Love him or loathe him, at least the Democratic Socialist would have offered a genuine choice! Something different than door A or door B that lead into the same building. And as far as I can tell, yes, the young Hitler is a fairly logical place for us to be given the political climate in the last 10 or 15 years.

You have the choice to live in your own home. Your corporate neighbors have the choice to make the air and water around said home poisonous, flammable, or carcinogenic. But you do have the choice to stay there or leave. If you can afford to.

You have the choice to take care of your reproductive health. Don’t let the harassers or the chance of getting shot stand in your way!

You have the choice to grow open-pollinated, wind-pollinated, organic food crops in an area that mostly grows conventional wind-pollinated crops. Just make sure you’re never down wind of your neighbors and you’ll be fine!

You can choose to go to college and get that degree that you’ve been told you need to get a good job. What’s a good job, again?

You chose to grow a beautiful garden full of vegetables instead of non-edible flowers and shrubs? Your home might be your castle, but don’t pretend it’s your pantry!

You can choose to own a tractor (or iPad, or GM vehicle). Well, maybe.

You can choose the perfect home for your land and family. As long as it conforms to everyone else’s views.

You can choose to be seen lending your support (or doing your job) at a peaceful rally or protest- just don’t get shot!

I can’t be facetious about the choices that led to needing those rallies and protests.

I know that I’m presenting more problems than solutions here. And I’ve only scratched the surface of the problems. But this is where I am in finding my power. The more I learn, the more I find out just how little power- just how little choice- I really have. Does a “yes” mean anything when “no” isn’t really an option, given the consequences that will probably or will definitely follow that “no”? No, it doesn’t.

We need to rethink this “choice” thing and whether or not we like the ones we’ve been given. Or perhaps start to figure out how to make our own options to choose between. If we’re given A and B, maybe we should all start choosing C.

(Apologies for the age of many of the linked articles. I have no Google-fu, and I haven’t been collecting all of the most recent examples of the above “choices.” I’m sure you’ve seen as many as I have, though- maybe more as I’m not all that well informed, yet.)

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Regaining My Power: To Begin

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Physical manifestation of my mental and emotional state. Life isn’t giving either of us what we need.

I haven’t been blogging much because life has been . . . challenging. One of the things these challenges have pointed out to me is that I have lost my own power. The loss was gradual. Some of it was let go, some forgotten about, and some stolen. What I lost and how isn’t important. What’s important is that no one will hand it back to me. If I don’t take it, I don’t get to have it. I think that’s a very important realization. After all, if I’m not willing to fight for it, what on earth makes me think I would fight with it, which is the only reason to have it.

This reboot of my life has been happening for a couple of months, now, but today seems to be the logical time to share it. The sun is coming back, the calendar has turned, and we’re closer to planting new seeds than cleaning up after the last harvest. I really don’t do “New Year’s Resolutions,” but many people do. We haven’t written in this calendar, yet, so maybe we can write different things than we did last year.

I landed at my parent’s house in early November. It wasn’t the very beginning of the tale, but I’m calling it the beginning. I arrived with a stuffed 4X5X8′ trailer of stuff, enough debt that it will take me a year to pay it off, if that’s all I spend my money on, and weighing 273#. What all of those amounts have in common is that they are getting in my way and getting them cut down to something reasonable feels rather overwhelming. You may be looking at one or all of those numbers and thinking, “Child’s play.” But bear in mind that the absolute number is far less important than whether or not I believe I can tackle it. We all have different tolerances, and those are approaching the limits of mine.

I am feeling the need to share this story not because it’s unusual, but precisely because I don’t believe it is. I’m broke, I’m unhealthy, I can’t even tell you anymore what’s in the boxes I’ve been schlepping from apartment to rented room, and I don’t know how to make my dreams into my reality. Perhaps by sharing my story, it will help me to keep taking the steps I need to take to figure this mess out. Maybe, as I figure each step out, it will help you with your journey, too.

Here’s to a new year and another chance to make each of our worlds into one that will give us a fulfilling life.

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My jade plant and I- repotted, heavily pruned, and taking another crack at this thing called life.